My Depression From Alcohol

As a recovering alcoholic, I often asked myself, did I drink because I was depressed or depressed because I drank. Does alcohol cause depression or does depression cause alcoholism? For me, the answer is yes.

Before I go on, I want to point out that what I write is from my experience as a recovered alcoholic. I make no claim to be an expert on alcoholism or clinical diagnosed depression. I am however, an expert on my alcoholism and it's relation to depression from my experience. If you're unsure whether or not you have alcoholism or depression, I would urge you to seek a medical professional. Although with that said, its very difficult for anyone to pronounce someone an alcoholic since it depends on many different things. Alcoholism and addiction are cunning, baffling, and powerful diseases. So cunning in fact that they are the only disease (that I know of) that will do everything in it's power to convince its sufferers that they don't have it!

Alcohol itself is a depressant so it would only make sense that one would feel depressed from drinking. From my own experience, I drank because I was depressed and was depressed because I drank so much. But which came first?

Drinking was fun for many years. The first time I remember getting drunk, I was around 14 years old and remember how great it felt. Which is odd, because I love mashed potatoes but don't remember the first time I had those. Throughout high school I drank mostly on the weekends. But once I entered college it was pretty much a nightly thing, hanging out at our favorite bar, playing darts, pool, and drinking. Why not, everyone else was doing it. Or at least the friends I found. At some point though things sort of changed. When everyone else was moving through school and looking forward to graduation, I was going to school less and working more. And drinking just as much or more as ever. Eventually I dropped out of school and moved to another city where I got a job in the restaurant industry. It was around this time that I started drinking vodka, which would be my preference of alcohol for the remainder of my drinking career. To be honest, whether it's beer, wine coolers, or vodka, alcohol is alcohol and I just liked the way it made me feel.

This cycle continued for many years; drinking with friends after work, sleeping till noon, then going into work and doing it all over again. I believe that at some point I realized it was getting worse, that I really couldn't imagine not having alcohol in my life. In March of 1997 I reached a point where I was drinking over a fifth of vodka a day and having really depressive thoughts. I took notice to this because I had always been a real positive and outgoing person. I realized that alcohol was slowing killing me; so I decided to stop. When you're drinking as much as I was, stopping suddenly can cause severe medical problems. I ended up going through a severe detox and spent six days in ICU. The experience was terrifying and I scared me sober. For a while. Truth is, I went to one AA meeting after I got out of the hospital and felt I was different than the people I met there. After all, I had never gotten a DUI or spent any time in jail as a result of my drinking. I only heard the differences and not the similarities. Sometimes you hear in recovery, "they just weren't ready." I'm not sure if I was ready or not, but I did know one thing, alcohol had almost killed me and as a smart, stubborn, and strong willed guy, I could simply stop on my own.

I used to lie to myself and say, "I only drink because I have nothing better to do. Someday I'll have real responsibilities like a family and my priorities will be different, then I'll be able to control my drinking." After quitting in 1997, I went a little over six years before I had another drink. Like I said, I'm a strong willed and stubborn guy. I figured after six years, maybe I wasn't an alcoholic anymore; maybe this time it would be different and I could control my drinking. For a true alcoholic like myself, I can either control my drinking or enjoy it, not both. Over the years that I was abstaining, I felt depressed quite often. I became an introvert and spent most of my spare time working and hiding out from society. It was easy to not drink when I isolated myself. The result was a lonely life with work and a professional career as my only real sense of purpose. I knew that I wanted more out of life and felt depressed about not being able to change the world like I always thought I would.

The reality is, I had no idea how to deal with or even identify my emotions. Since I had spent most of my earlier years drinking, I never really learned how to express or feel emotions. Which is one reason why my relationships never lasted more than six months. So here I am, six years without a drink, and I finally get into a real relationship. Or at least what I thought one looked like. Truth is, it was pretty unhealthy. Since I had no idea how to love myself, I was incapable of allowing myself to be loved by someone else. Now that I was in a "real" relationship, I decided I deserved a glass of Merlot with a good steak. Have you ever heard the term progressive? It means increasing in extent or severity. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, meaning if you have it, it always gets worse, never better. Or for the alcoholic, when we start drinking again after months or years of abstinence or sobriety, we generally progress to the point we left off before. We don't start all over with a low tolerance like back when we were young, we hit it as hard as ever!

So after years of not having a drink, I was drinking again and quickly as much as ever. The alcohol depression returned and my life spiraled out of control fast. For several years I struggled to stay sober, a failed marriage, lost job of ten years, and two consecutive trips to an alcoholism treatment center. I finally hit last bottom (as of today) on March 12 of 2006. That was the day my depression hit the breaking point and I knew I could not live another day like I was. Suicide or returning to treatment were my only two options. Obviously I returned to treatment or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. Thank God.

The depression I suffered was from the way I felt about the way I was living. Like I always had this dark cloud hanging over me no matter where I went. However, just because I stopped drinking, the depression did not immediately go away. It was a daily struggle to learn how to just live. But over time, living one-day-at-a-time and doing the best that I could, I slowly started feeling good about myself. That process was made possible by working a rigorous recovery program based on holistic and spiritual growth. I continued to see a therapist for several years after I stopped drinking to help me deal with life and bouts of depression. Since I started dealing with my depression and alcoholism in a healthy manner through a recovery program and what I learned while in treatment, I have learned what a gift life can be. I have not had a drink or thought of suicide since March 12, 20o6. Since then, I have finally completed my bachelors degree and went on to complete a masters in Business as well. Today, I accept life as the gift that it is.